You’re Wrong – Elves Are Not Nice

O, waily, waily! Whut ha’ ye doon? Ye canna’ let in yon Fair Folk! We Feegle only be bad fer good – nae lik’ yon El….

Sorry, Big Rob.

You can call them the Gentry. You can call them the Fair Folk. You can call them the Shining Ones. You can call them the Star People. You can call them Lords and Ladies.

But it you’re going to call them Elves, you better have some iron handy…best to have a lot of it.

“Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.

“Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.

“Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.

“Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.

“Elves are terrific. They beget terror.”

“No one ever said elves are nice.

“Elves are bad.”

Queen of the Elves

I think we can blame such things as The Lord of the Rings and Elf on the Shelf for the current misconception that elves are nice. Elves on the Discworld are definitely bad.

Circles of Stone and Crops

Elves don’t naturally live on the Disc as such. They live in their own wintry land and are kept there by a circle of 7a tall reddish stones of iron in Lancre called the Dancers.

Every so often, when crop circles mysteriously start popping down with great frequency, the barrier between the dimension of the elves and that of the Disc becomes significantly weaker. When helped along by foolish young wannabe witches, this point can become virtually non-existent.

It is at times like these that the real witches – Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, and Magrat Garlick – must come forward to protect Lancre (and the rest of the Disc) from those who would conquer and destroy.

The book cover just below includes all the characters I’ve mentioned thusfar and several more. The artwork was done by Jael who met Death just last year (2020).

Lords and Ladies full cover. Artwork by Jael.

That’s Magrat on the left, pretending to be the fictitious Queen Ynci. Granny Weatherwax is lying down, looking dead, and holding a card that says, “I ate’nt dead.” Nanny Ogg is hovering over Granny waiting for her to come back from a Borrowing – possibly as that rabbit.

Also in the picture are the wannabe witches dancing in the nudd near the Dancers. In the center is the white unicorn, pet of the Queen of the Elves, who crashed through the barrier first and impaled William Scrope. A pair of elves on their steeds look ready to kill whatever stands in their way, after having some fun with them first, of course.

The Lancre Morris Men

The Lancre Morris Men include these gentlemen.

  • Jason Ogg the smith
  • Weaver the thatcher
  • Bestiality Carter the baker
  • Obidiah Carpenter the tailor and poacher
  • Baker the weaver
  • Thatcher the carter
  • Tailor the other weaver
  • Tinker the tinker
The Lancre Morris Men

I don’t think it’s ever specifically mentioned that there are 7a of them. Perhaps this count has something to do with there being the same number of Dancer stones.

In any case, I love trying to keep their names straight in my mind.

Esme and Mustrum

Who knew? Am I right?

Who would have guessed that 50 years ago (from the time of the events in Lords and Ladies) Esmerelda Weatherwax and Mustrum Ridcully (now chief wizard and Archchancellor of Unseen University) were an item.

It’s obvious that the flame is still there when they meet again now on the occasion of the wedding of Magrat Garlick to King Verence II. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) they know that it’s too late to do anything more than go for a walk in the woods. (Or, at least, Granny seems to think so.)

Kids these days.

You're Wrong - Elves Are Not Nice
Article Name
You're Wrong - Elves Are Not Nice
Commentary on the events in the Terry Pratchett novel Lords and Ladies.
Publisher Name
Narrativium Reviews
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