This chronological list of persons in Unseen Academicals will not be invisible. It will be seen by you. So will this alphabetical list.
Patrician of Ankh – The leader of the city of Ankh-Morpork. You know him cordially as Havelock Vetinari.
Rudolph Scattering – Former night watchman in the Royal Art Museum…until the shelves exploded…after the sobbing and the scraping of…pottery?
Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully the Brown – Prominent leader of Unseen University. Sorta good at what he does – whatever that is.
Trevor Likely – Dave Likely (foot-the-ball star) was his father. “Dribbler” in the Unseen University candle vats area. Loves model Juliet Stollop.
Natchbull Smeems – Candle knave at UU. Proud that he never, ever lets a candle go out.
Glenda Sugarbean – Head Cook of the UU Night Kitchen. Invented the Ploughman’s Pie. Works at not mothering Juliet Stollop too much. Likes the novels of Iradne Comb-Buttworthy. Has a thing for Mr. Nutt.
Juliet Stollop – Cook in the Night Kitchen at UU. Becomes a fashion model for micromail (doesn’t chafe) at Shatta. Loves Trevor Likely.
Mr. Nutt – Orc from Uberwald. “Dribbler” in the UU candle vats. Coach of the Unseen Academicals foot-the-ball team. He has worth.
Ponder Stibbons – A student wizard. Reader in Invisible Writings. Often the brains of UU.
Chair of Indefinite Studies – Overweight wizard of UU. In on the discussion of the moving picture Blown Away.
Dr. John Hicks / Hix – Head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications at UU and therefore definitely not a necromancer. For sure. Really.
Mr. Hicks – Dr. John’s father.
Mrs. Hicks – Dr. John’s mother.
Senior Wrangler – Wizard at UU. This is an actual position in the Roundworld as well.
Professor of Recondite Phenomena – Wizard at UU who’s willing to toy with a little fruit, possibly with the Librarian.
(Head) Librarian – Formerly human, now simian. Favorite (and nearly only) word: Oook.
Downbody – Servant at UU.
Mrs Whitlow – Chief servant, Aye believe, at Unseen University. A psychic.
Rincewind – A seemingly minor wizard who plays a major role in several Discworld novels. He is extremely good at running away.
Dean of Pentacles – Wizard of UU who thought there was too much sex “these days”.
Professor H. F. Pullunder – Mentioned in the Book of Traditions.
Dr. Erratamus – Mentioned in the Book of Traditions.
Lecturer in Recent Runes – Wizard at UU. Contrived wearing false beards over their beards as a disguise.
Dr. Earwig – Married to Letice. Former wizard at UU.
Dr. Housemartin – Formerly of UU. Left with a bad case of work-related frogs.
Egregious Professor of Grammar and Usage – Of UU. Preferred “She was not she” to “She was not her.”
Professor of Logic – Of UU. Had problems with “She was not she.”
Rotten Johnny – Former boyfriend of Juliet Stollop.
May Hedges – Night Kitchen worker at UU who ran the cheeseboards like a champion.
Mildred – Night Kitchen vegetable woman, known for her beetroot recipe and cream cheese sandwiches.
Rachel – Night Kitchen vegetable woman with Mildred at UU.
Archchancellor Preserved Bigger – Left a bequest to UU that required them to play foot-the-ball at least once every 20 years.
Quite Reverend Mightily-Praiseworthy-Are-Ye-Who-Exalteth-Om Oats, The – Mightily Oats, for short. Omnian missionary who doesn’t seem to be affected by the de Magpyr clan.
Concrete – Troll who worked in the candle vats.
Miss Healstether – Lady Margolotta’s personal librarian in Bonk. Helped educate Mr. Nutt.
Beasly – Player on the Dimwell Old Pals. Reportedly couldn’t carry the ball in a sack.
Staple Upwright – Foot-the-baller for the Lobbin Clout team.
Big Dave Likely – Father of Trevor Likely. Scored 4 foot-the-ball goals in his whole life.
Bursar, The – At UU, but not a wizard. Needs his dried frog pills. Aka Mr. Dinwiddie.
Roger – Horse bus guard who asked, “My fare, lady?”
Mr. Johnson – Lives at number 14 on the same street as Juliet Stollop. Perhaps drank paint.
Widow Crowdy – Glenda Sugarbean lived near her and helped her when she could.
Igor (Margolotta’s) – Servant of Lady Margolotta in Bonk.
Brakefast – Wrote the 22 volumes of Compendium of Odours.
Spout – Author of Trumpet of Equestrianism.
Postalume – Author of The Speech of Trolls.
Fassel – Smith for Lady Margolotta. Helped with Nutt’s education.
J. P. Bunderbell – Wrote Five Hours and Sixteen Minutes Among the Goblins of Far Uberwald. That he noted the time that exactly speaks volumes…er, volume.
No Face – Apparently a candle vat worker at UU.
Weepy Mukko – Apparently a candle vat worker at UU.
(Rufus) Drumknott – Lord Vetinari’s servant.
William de Worde – Fell into the printing / publishing business through (almost) no fault of his own. Ended up doing a decent job of it.
Lady Margolotta – A leading vampire of Bonk in Uberwald.
Evans the Striped – Former Sports Master at UU.
Spolwhittle – Created the Trans-Congruency Theory which was later exploded by Hex.
Birdcatcher – Compiled Discomforting Misusage.
Mr. Stollop – Juliet’s father. Distrusted nearly everybody.
Ofleberger – Author of Die Wesentlichen Ungewissheiten Zugehorig der Offenkundigen Mannlichkeit.
Brutha – Novice. Eventually Cenobiarch of Omnia. Sadly, skipped right over being Brother Brutha.
Frankly Ottomy – Bledlow at UU who knows about The Shove.
Alphose Nobbs (no relation) – Bledlow at UU who knows about The Shove.
Corporal Cecil Wormsborough St. John “Nobby” Nobbs – Member of the Night Watch. Species: human. Probably.
Andy Shank – Nasty guy. His dad is captain of the Dimwell Old Pals foot-the-ball team.
Maxie – Cohort of Andy Shank.
Carter the Farter – Cohort of Andy Shank. Now known as the Fartmeister.
Jumbo – Thief (guild member) and lock picker. Cohort of Andy Shank.
Billy Stollop – Brother of Juliet.
Dr. Vonmausberger – Author of Ritual Aggression in Pubescent Rats.
Algernon Stollop – Brother of Juliet.
Constable Andy Haddock – Human in the Watch.
Bluejohn – Troll conscripted for the Watch.
Lady Sybil Deidre Oglivanna Ramkin – Caretaker of swamp dragons and eventual spouse of Commander Vimes. Richest person in Ankh-Morpork.
Delphine Angua von Uberwald – First werewolf and female in the Watch. Very close friend of Carrot.
Death – An anthrpomorphic personification comprised of a skeleton, covered in a black robe, and holding a scythe (or a sword, for kings). He communicates in CAPTIAL LETTERS without the quotation marks.
Igor (hospital) – Reacher Gilt’s Igor had a cousin working there. Igor was considering joining him.
Dr. John “Mossy” Lawn – Trained in Klatch (where patients were actually expected to get better), he is probably the only doctor (for humans) in Ankh-Morpork who has ever cured anyone.
Captain Samuel Vimes – Head of the Ankh-Morpork Night Watch. Recovering alcoholic. Eventual spouse of Lady Ramkin and Commander of the Watch.
Trousenblert – Philosopher or psychologist from Uberwald who wrote Der Selbst uberschritten durch das Ganze.
W. E. G. Goodnight – Wrote In Search of the Whole, a work marred by the mistranslation of bewußteinsschwelle as “haircut” throughout.
Gurning Upspire – Designed a chaise longue in his famous workshop.
Robert Scandal – Known for his poem, “Oi! To his Deaf Mistress”.
Iradne Comb-Buttworthy – Author of romance novels.
Pedestriana – Goddess of things using feet. Foot-the-ball used to be played in her honor.
Madame Sharn – With Pepe, owns and runs the fashionable shop Shatta.
Professor Ritornello – Master of the Music. Recruited to compose the chants for the Unseen Academicals. He was less than successful.
Molly (UU) – Kitchen girl at UU.
Pepe – Human dwarf who owns and runs Shatta with Madame Sharn.
Professor of Natural Studies – Had a spider, that had been in the football whistle, land in his beard.
Archchancellor Scrubbs – Discoverer of blit.
Archchancellor Flanker – Discovered the Third Breakfast.
Mr. Floribunda – Wizard who, after requesting (and eating) a bacon sandwich from the Cabinet of Curiosity (and later giving it up against his will), was promoted a level by Archchancellor Ridcully for showing “independent thinking and a certain amount of pluck” and adding valuable data to the understanding of the Cabinet, even though he’d done so against Ridcully’s specific orders regarding said Cabinet.
Charlie Drinkie – Wizard at Brazeneck for whom the Drinkie – 15,000 iterations to the first negative blit – is named.
Glang Snorrisson – Hired by Mr. Nutt to produce footballs that went, Gloing!
Tak – God who, according to the dwarfs, wrote the world, as recorded in Gd Tak ‘Gar.
Rhys Rhysson – He (actually, she) is the Low King of the dwarfs.
Greasy Damien – Glenda once kicked him hard in the goolies. Yeah, those goolies.
Professor of Illiberal Studies – Kicked the football aside, possibly by accident.
Mr. Hipney – Bledlow who kicked the football somewhat uncertainly.
Pondlife – Student at UU who prodded the football (back to Hipney).
Blind Io – Chief of the gods who live at Dunmanifestin. He appears to be blind but has many eyes outside his body.
Piggy Love – The fat kid in Ponder’s class as a youth.
Martin Sogger – As a youth, Ponder (accidentally) set Martin’s pants on fire.
Professor Bengo Macarona – Full title: Professor Macarona D.Thau (Bug), D.Maus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, D.Thau (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers building, Genua)), Primo Octo (Deux), Visiting Professor of Blit/Slood Exchanges (Al Khali), KCbfj, Reciprocating Professor of Blit Theory (Unki), D.Thau (Unki), Didimus Supremius (Unki), Emeritus Professor in Blit Substrate Determinations (Chubb), Chair of Blit and Music Studies (Quirm College for Young Ladies)
Professor Maidenhair – Swapped places (UU vs Genua?) with Professor Macarona for a year.
Professor Hayden – Could talk about snakes for hours.
Postule – Had coxed the rowing team that Ridcully had been on through two wonderful years.
Archchancellor Abasti – The magical stained-glass window behind the organ in the main Hall of UU was dedicated to him.
Bishop Horn – Main character in all the great flood accounts bore a resemblance to him.
Archchancellor Henry of Brazeneck – No last name known. Former Dean (of Pentacles) at UU.
Big Mad Drongo – Student at UU. Aka Adrian Turnipseed, now a professor at Brazeneck.
Dr. Able Baker – BD (Hons), Fdl, Kp, PdF (escrow) Director of Blit Studies, Brazeneck. Number 9 of 50 in the Notable Wizards of out Time series of cigarette cards. (Sadly, not included in the actual set of 26 cards that have been produced.)
Luggage, The – A mysterious box made of sapient pearwood that ambles about on hundreds of tiny feet. It arrived in Ankh-Morpork with Twoflower.
Mr. Sopworthy – The Luggage crashed into him whilst trying to foot the ball.
Verity Pushpram – Nice girl. Runs the clam and cockle barrow in Rime Street. Nickname: Hammerhead.
Lord Rust – Aristocrat not interested in Edward d’Eath’s plot.
Shiny Robert – A head waiter at UU. Glenda examined a menu with him.
Archchancellor Bill Rincewind – Archchancellor of Bugarup University.
Dustworthy Swithin – Captain of the Cockbill Boars foot-the-ball team.
Jimmy Wilkins – Footballer (Cockbill Boars) who got put in the Tanty for eating someone’s nose.
Pinchpenny Brothers – Footballers (Cockbill Boars) who had to be taken to the Lady Sybil Hospital.
Harry Capstick – Footballer (now Cockbill Boars) who has a wooden leg.
Charlotte – Crossword compiler for the Ankh-Morpork Times.
Augusta Sugarbean – Glenda’s grandmother (deceased). Former cook in the Assassins’ Guild.
Queen Ynci the Short-Tempered – Magrat’s inspiration for bravery.
Uncle Geoffrey – Juliet Stollop’s uncle. Possibly her only relative who had ever been in a bank. They caught up with him even before he got home.
Fussbinder – Wrote The Doors of Deception which included a way to hypnotize yourself.
Von Kladpoll – Wrote Doppelte Beruhrungssempfindung. Examines, at least in part, the workings of the hidden mind.
Schnouzentintle – Wrote The Obedience of Disobedience.
Little Sisters of Perpetual Velocity – Aka Furies. From Ephebe. Sent by Lady Margolotta to watch over Mr. Nutt.
Houseman – Coach driver for Lord Vetinari.
Havacook – Bad tempered horse who was easily shod by Mr. Nutt.
Mrs. Carter (Farter’s mother) – Even she didn’t really like her son. Unknown if these Carters are related to the others.
Tosher Atkinson – Recently signed on to play foot-the-ball. Son of the infamous Mrs. Atkinson.
Jimmy the Spoon – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Spanner – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Mrs. Atkinson – It seems she too was signed up to play foot-the-ball.
Willy Piltdown – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Brisket Boys – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Cut-me-own-throat (C.M.O.T) Dibbler – Originally known as Claude Maximillian Overton Transpire Dibbler. Entrepreneur (unsuccessful). Will sell you a “pig” sausage innabun. Don’t ask questions.
Miss Roz – Writer for Bu-Bubble.
Von Sliss – Wrote The Effluence of Reality.
Herr Frugal – Wrote Das Nichts des Wissens.
Dr. Maspinder – Wrote Das Meer von Unvermeidlichkeit.
Emperor Whezi – Someone crafted a set of spoons – each one smaller than a grain of rice – for his concubines.
Bloody Stupid Johnson – Born, Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, but few remember those names. His works deserve an article all their own and may or may not ever get one.
Ly Tin Wheedle – A famous philosopher. I’m certain his name means something, but I don’t know what.
Boddry – Wrote the Occult Companion.
Von Haudenbrau – Mr. Nutt started to quote him but was interrupted. We may never know what he said.
Joseph Hoggett – Originally of the Pork Packers, now the captain of Ankh-Morpork United.
Fletcher – Author of the Avian Nausea Index.
F. Brisket – One of the Brisket Boys. During a foot-the-ball match, was attacked with a pseudo Deadly Vampyre Spider Queen dagger.
Micky Pulford – Originally of the Whopping Street Wanderers, now standby keeper for A-M United.
Rosewood Bunn, Sir – The Bunn, a unit of force, is named for him.
Dolly Sisters Players – Dr. Hicks (or Hix) gets to play all the good parts – like that of Lord Fartswell – in this troupe.
Hwel – The Disc’s answer to Shakespeare. We don’t know what the question was.
Mr. Shine – Him diamond! Diamond King of Trolls. The current King is Mr. Shine. Another King played a game of thud with B’hrian Bloodaxe back in the day in Koom Valley.
Grapeshot – Created the healing spell called the Therapeutic Squeezer.