This alphabetical list of persons in Unseen Academicals will not be invisible. It will be seen by you. So will this chronological list.
Algernon Stollop – Brother of Juliet.
Andy Shank – Nasty guy. His dad is captain of the Dimwell Old Pals foot-the-ball team.
Archchancellor Abasti – The magical stained-glass window behind the organ in the main Hall of UU was dedicated to him.
Archchancellor Bill Rincewind – Archchancellor of Bugarup University.
Archchancellor Flanker – Discovered the Third Breakfast.
Archchancellor Henry of Brazeneck – No last name known. Former Dean (of Pentacles) at UU.
Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully the Brown – Prominent leader of Unseen University. Sorta good at what he does – whatever that is.
Archchancellor Preserved Bigger – Left a bequest to UU that required them to play foot-the-ball at least once every 20 years.
Archchancellor Scrubbs – Discoverer of blit.
Augusta Sugarbean – Glenda’s grandmother (deceased). Former cook in the Assassins’ Guild.
Beasly – Player on the Dimwell Old Pals. Reportedly couldn’t carry the ball in a sack.
Big Dave Likely – Father of Trevor Likely. Scored 4 foot-the-ball goals in his whole life.
Big Mad Drongo – Student at UU. Aka Adrian Turnipseed, now a professor at Brazeneck.
Billy Stollop – Brother of Juliet.
Birdcatcher – Compiled Discomforting Misusage.
Bishop Horn – Main character in all the great flood accounts bore a resemblance to him.
Alphose Nobbs (no relation) – Bledlow at UU who knows about The Shove.
Blind Io – Chief of the gods who live at Dunmanifestin. He appears to be blind but has many eyes outside his body.
Bloody Stupid Johnson – Born, Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, but few remember those names. His works deserve an article all their own and may or may not ever get one.
Bluejohn – Troll conscripted for the Watch.
Boddry – Wrote the Occult Companion.
Brakefast – Wrote the 22 volumes of Compendium of Odours.
Brisket Boys – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Brutha – Novice. Eventually Cenobiarch of Omnia. Sadly, skipped right over being Brother Brutha.
Bursar, The – At UU, but not a wizard. Needs his dried frog pills. Aka Mr. Dinwiddie.
Captain Samuel Vimes – Head of the Ankh-Morpork Night Watch. Recovering alcoholic. Eventual spouse of Lady Ramkin and Commander of the Watch.
Carter the Farter – Cohort of Andy Shank. Now known as the Fartmeister.
Chair of Indefinite Studies – Overweight wizard of UU. In on the discussion of the moving picture Blown Away.
Charlie Drinkie – Wizard at Brazeneck for whom the Drinkie – 15,000 iterations to the first negative blit – is named.
Charlotte – Crossword compiler for the Ankh-Morpork Times.
Concrete – Troll who worked in the candle vats.
Constable Andy Haddock – Human in the Watch.
Corporal Cecil Wormsborough St. John “Nobby” Nobbs – Member of the Night Watch. Species: human. Probably.
Cut-me-own-throat (C.M.O.T) Dibbler – Originally known as Claude Maximillian Overton Transpire Dibbler. Entrepreneur (unsuccessful). Will sell you a “pig” sausage innabun. Don’t ask questions.
Dean of Pentacles – Wizard of UU who thought there was too much sex “these days”.
Death – An anthrpomorphic personification comprised of a skeleton, covered in a black robe, and holding a scythe (or a sword, for kings). He communicates in CAPTIAL LETTERS without the quotation marks.
Dolly Sisters Players – Dr. Hicks (or Hix) gets to play all the good parts – like that of Lord Fartswell – in this troupe.
Downbody – Servant at UU.
Dr. Able Baker – BD (Hons), Fdl, Kp, PdF (escrow) Director of Blit Studies, Brazeneck. Number 9 of 50 in the Notable Wizards of out Time series of cigarette cards. (Sadly, not included in the actual set of 26 cards that have been produced.)
Dr. Earwig – Married to Letice. Former wizard at UU.
Dr. Erratamus – Mentioned in the Book of Traditions.
Dr. Housemartin – Formerly of UU. Left with a bad case of work-related frogs.
Dr. John “Mossy” Lawn – Trained in Klatch (where patients were actually expected to get better), he is probably the only doctor (for humans) in Ankh-Morpork who has ever cured anyone.
Dr. John Hicks / Hix – Head of the Department of Post-Mortem Communications at UU and therefore definitely not a necromancer. For sure. Really.
Dr. Maspinder – Wrote Das Meer von Unvermeidlichkeit.
Dr. Vonmausberger – Author of Ritual Aggression in Pubescent Rats.
(Rufus) Drumknott – Lord Vetinari’s servant.
Dustworthy Swithin – Captain of the Cockbill Boars foot-the-ball team.
Egregious Professor of Grammar and Usage – Of UU. Preferred “She was not she” to “She was not her.”
Emperor Whezi – Someone crafted a set of spoons – each one smaller than a grain of rice – for his concubines.
Evans the Striped – Former Sports Master at UU.
F. Brisket – One of the Brisket Boys. During a foot-the-ball match, was attacked with a pseudo Deadly Vampyre Spider Queen dagger.
Fassel – Smith for Lady Margolotta. Helped with Nutt’s education.
Fletcher – Author of the Avian Nausea Index.
Frankly Ottomy – Bledlow at UU who knows about The Shove.
Fussbinder – Wrote The Doors of Deception which included a way to hypnotize yourself.
Glang Snorrisson – Hired by Mr. Nutt to produce footballs that went, Gloing!
Glenda Sugarbean – Head Cook of the UU Night Kitchen. Invented the Ploughman’s Pie. Works at not mothering Juliet Stollop too much. Likes the novels of Iradne Comb-Buttworthy. Has a thing for Mr. Nutt.
Grapeshot – Created the healing spell called the Therapeutic Squeezer.
Greasy Damien – Glenda once kicked him hard in the goolies. Yeah, those goolies.
Gurning Upspire – Designed a chaise longue in his famous workshop.
Harry Capstick – Footballer (now Cockbill Boars) who has a wooden leg.
Havacook – Bad tempered horse who was easily shod by Mr. Nutt.
Herr Frugal – Wrote Das Nichts des Wissens.
Hwel – The Disc’s answer to Shakespeare. We don’t know what the question was.
Igor (hospital) – Reacher Gilt’s Igor had a cousin working there. Igor was considering joining him.
Igor (Margolotta’s) – Servant of Lady Margolotta in Bonk.
Iradne Comb-Buttworthy – Author of romance novels.
J. P. Bunderbell – Wrote Five Hours and Sixteen Minutes Among the Goblins of Far Uberwald. That he noted the time that exactly speaks volumes…er, volume.
Jimmy the Spoon – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Jimmy Wilkins – Footballer (Cockbill Boars) who got put in the Tanty for eating someone’s nose.
Joseph Hoggett – Originally of the Pork Packers, now the captain of Ankh-Morpork United.
Juliet Stollop – Cook in the Night Kitchen at UU. Becomes a fashion model for micromail (doesn’t chafe) at Shatta. Loves Trevor Likely.
Jumbo – Thief (guild member) and lock picker. Cohort of Andy Shank.
Lady Margolotta – A leading vampire of Bonk in Uberwald.
Lady Sybil Deidre Oglivanna Ramkin – Caretaker of swamp dragons and eventual spouse of Commander Vimes. Richest person in Ankh-Morpork.
Delphine Angua von Uberwald – First werewolf and female in the Watch. Very close friend of Carrot.
Lecturer in Recent Runes – Wizard at UU. Contrived wearing false beards over their beards as a disguise.
(Head) Librarian – Formerly human, now simian. Favorite (and nearly only) word: Oook.
Little Sisters of Perpetual Velocity – Aka Furies. From Ephebe. Sent by Lady Margolotta to watch over Mr. Nutt.
Lord Rust – Aristocrat not interested in Edward d’Eath’s plot.
Luggage, The – A mysterious box made of sapient pearwood that ambles about on hundreds of tiny feet. It arrived in Ankh-Morpork with Twoflower.
Ly Tin Wheedle – A famous philosopher. I’m certain his name means something, but I don’t know what.
Madame Sharn – With Pepe, owns and runs the fashionable shop Shatta.
Martin Sogger – As a youth, Ponder (accidentally) set Martin’s pants on fire.
Maxie – Cohort of Andy Shank.
May Hedges – Night Kitchen worker at UU who ran the cheeseboards like a champion.
Micky Pulford – Originally of the Whopping Street Wanderers, now standby keeper for A-M United.
Mildred – Night Kitchen vegetable woman, known for her beetroot recipe and cream cheese sandwiches.
Miss Healstether – Lady Margolotta’s personal librarian in Bonk. Helped educate Mr. Nutt.
Miss Roz – Writer for Bu-Bubble.
Molly (UU) – Kitchen girl at UU.
Mr. Floribunda – Wizard who, after requesting (and eating) a bacon sandwich from the Cabinet of Curiosity (and later giving it up against his will), was promoted a level by Archchancellor Ridcully for showing “independent thinking and a certain amount of pluck” and adding valuable data to the understanding of the Cabinet, even though he’d done so against Ridcully’s specific orders regarding said Cabinet.
Mr. Hicks – Dr. John’s father.
Mr. Hipney – Bledlow who kicked the football somewhat uncertainly.
Mr. Johnson – Lives at number 14 on the same street as Juliet Stollop. Perhaps drank paint.
Mr. Nutt – Orc from Uberwald. “Dribbler” in the UU candle vats. Coach of the Unseen Academicals foot-the-ball team. He has worth.
Mr. Shine – Him diamond! Diamond King of the trolls.
Mr. Sopworthy – The Luggage crashed into him whilst trying to foot the ball.
Mr. Stollop – Juliet’s father. Distrusted nearly everybody.
Mrs. Atkinson – It seems she too was signed up to play foot-the-ball.
Mrs. Carter (Farter’s mother) – Even she didn’t really like her son. Unknown if these Carters are related to the others.
Mrs. Hicks – Dr. John’s mother.
Mrs Whitlow – Chief servant, Aye believe, at Unseen University. A psychic.
Natchbull Smeems – Candle knave at UU. Proud that he never, ever lets a candle go out.
No Face – Apparently a candle vat worker at UU.
Ofleberger – Author of Die Wesentlichen Ungewissheiten Zugehorig der Offenkundigen Mannlichkeit.
Patrician of Ankh – The leader of the city of Ankh-Morpork. You know him cordially as Havelock Vetinari.
Pedestriana – Goddess of things using feet. Foot-the-ball used to be played in her honor.
Pepe – Human dwarf who owns and runs Shatta with Madame Sharn.
Piggy Love – The fat kid in Ponder’s class as a youth.
Pinchpenny Brothers – Footballers (Cockbill Boars) who had to be taken to the Lady Sybil Hospital.
Ponder Stibbons – A student wizard. Reader in Invisible Writings. Often the brains of UU.
Pondlife – Student at UU who prodded the football (back to Hipney).
Postalume – Author of The Speech of Trolls.
Postule – Had coxed the rowing team that Ridcully had been on through two wonderful years.
Professor Bengo Macarona – Full title: Professor Macarona D.Thau (Bug), D.Maus (Chubb), Magistaludorum (QIS), Octavium (Hons), PHGK (Blit), DMSK, Mack, D.Thau (Bra), Visiting Professor in Chickens (Jahn the Conqueror University (Floor 2, Shrimp Packers building, Genua)), Primo Octo (Deux), Visiting Professor of Blit/Slood Exchanges (Al Khali), KCbfj, Reciprocating Professor of Blit Theory (Unki), D.Thau (Unki), Didimus Supremius (Unki), Emeritus Professor in Blit Substrate Determinations (Chubb), Chair of Blit and Music Studies (Quirm College for Young Ladies)
Professor H. F. Pullunder – Mentioned in the Book of Traditions.
Professor Hayden – Could talk about snakes for hours.
Professor Maidenhair – Swapped places (UU vs Genua?) with Professor Macarona for a year.
Professor of Illiberal Studies – Kicked the football aside, possibly by accident.
Professor of Logic – Of UU. Had problems with “She was not she.”
Professor of Natural Studies – Had a spider, that had been in the football whistle, land in his beard.
Professor of Recondite Phenomena – Wizard at UU who’s willing to toy with a little fruit, possibly with the Librarian.
Professor Ritornello – Master of the Music. Recruited to compose the chants for the Unseen Academicals. He was less than successful.
Queen Ynci the Short-Tempered – Magrat’s inspiration for bravery.
Quite Reverend Mightily-Praiseworthy-Are-Ye-Who-Exalteth-Om Oats, The – Mightily Oats, for short. Omnian missionary who doesn’t seem to be affected by the de Magpyr clan.
Rachel – Night Kitchen vegetable woman with Mildred at UU.
Rhys Rhysson – He (actually, she) is the Low King of the dwarfs.
Rincewind – A seemingly minor wizard who plays a major role in several Discworld novels. He is extremely good at running away.
Robert Scandal – Known for his poem, “Oi! To his Deaf Mistress”.
Roger – Horse bus guard who asked, “My fare, lady?”
Rosewood Bunn, Sir – The Bunn, a unit of force, is named for him.
Rotten Johnny – Former boyfriend of Juliet Stollop.
Rudolph Scattering – Former night watchman in the Royal Art Museum…until the shelves exploded…after the sobbing and the scraping of…pottery?
Schnouzentintle – Wrote The Obedience of Disobedience.
Senior Wrangler – Wizard at UU. This is an actual position in the Roundworld as well.
Shiny Robert – A head waiter at UU. Glenda examined a menu with him.
Spanner – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.
Spolwhittle – Created the Trans-Congruency Theory which was later exploded by Hex.
Spout – Author of Trumpet of Equestrianism.
Stanley Howler – Other remaining postman, pre-Lipwig. One-time editor of Total Pins. Now Head of Stamps at the Post Office. [Missing from Chrono list. Not sure why. Will figure out later.]
Staple Upwright – Foot-the-baller for the Lobbin Clout team.
Tak – God who, according to the dwarfs, wrote the world, as recorded in Gd Tak ‘Gar.
Tosher Atkinson – Recently signed on to play foot-the-ball. Son of the infamous Mrs. Atkinson.
Trevor Likely – Dave Likely (foot-the-ball star) was his father. “Dribbler” in the Unseen University candle vats area. Loves model Juliet Stollop.
Trousenblert – Philosopher or psychologist from Uberwald who wrote Der Selbst uberschritten durch das Ganze.
Uncle Geoffrey – Juliet Stollop’s uncle. Possibly her only relative who had ever been in a bank. They caught up with him even before he got home.
Verity Pushpram – Nice girl. Runs the clam and cockle barrow in Rime Street. Nickname: Hammerhead.
Von Haudenbrau – Mr. Nutt started to quote him but was interrupted. We may never know what he said.
Von Kladpoll – Wrote Doppelte Beruhrungssempfindung. Examines, at least in part, the workings of the hidden mind.
Von Sliss – Wrote The Effluence of Reality.
W. E. G. Goodnight – Wrote In Search of the Whole, a work marred by the mistranslation of bewußteinsschwelle as “haircut” throughout.
Weepy Mukko – Apparently a candle vat worker at UU.
Widow Crowdy – Glenda Sugarbean lived near her and helped her when she could.
William de Worde – Fell into the printing / publishing business through (almost) no fault of his own. Ended up doing a decent job of it.
Willy Piltdown – Recently sign on to play foot-the-ball.