A Guide to the Official Preliminary Rituals
I dinna ken whut tae say aboot them peerymiddes, so I kept verra quiet. But these meetins o’ the Ebonny bigjobs I cannae unnerstand. They be wyrd.
If you thought getting your foot inside the front door of a meeting of the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night was difficult, you’d be right.* But that’s nothing compared to what needs to happen before a meeting can actually get started.
It’s a little unclear as to whether all of the rituals listed below were accomplished before every meeting. It may be that, when we drop in on a meeting, we’re falling on a different section of the ritual list. It seems more likely though that only a handful of the list’s items were required per meeting. I doubt that the Supreme Grand Master would ever have been able to start any of the meetings, much less keep his sanity, if they had to slog through the whole roster each and every time.
Official Preliminary Rituals Required before Convening a Meeting of the EBotEN
- Seal the Door of Knowledge fast against heretics and knowlessmen.
- Well and truly trace the Triple Circle.
- Secure the Four Watchtowers.
- Shrive the Trousers of Sanctity.
- Fasten the windows with the Red Cords of Intellect.
- Duly spin the Wheels of Torment.
- Oil the Axles of the Universal Lemon.**
- Chastise (ritually) the Thuribles of Destiny.
- Duly enhance the Cuffs of Veracity.
- Fittingly divest the Martlets of Beckoning.
- Well and truly suffuse the Caps of Integrity.
- Abjure the Waters of the World.
- Bind the Demons of infinity with many chains.
Even though the wording of a few of these rituals sounds somewhat similar to some of the others, believe me when I tell you that each of them is absolutely unique in both character and quality. For example, well and truly tracing has nothing to do with properly well and truly suffusing.
*It was, especially when the Illuminated and Ancient Brethren of Ee, who are meeting just three doors down, have at least two pairs of identical, required code phrases that you must know from memory before you’re allowed in.
**In Guards! Guards!, whence all of these rituals are derived, Brother Plasterer mentions this one as belonging to him. The Supreme Grand Master never actually brings it up himself. Nevertheless, we trust that Brother Plasterer wasn’t just making it up on the spot. He must have learned how to perform this duty at a previous meeting. Whether or not he ever had the opportunity to do any official oiling, we will never know.