Going Postal Persons – Chronologic

The younger generations may not immediately understand the significance of Going Postal as a phrase, but this chronological listing of the persons in the novel may help a little. The alphabetical list may do the same.

Anghammarad – 19,000-year-old golem who has been around since the Third Ning of the Shaving of the Goat. (I’m not sure we want to know.)

Moist von Lipwig – Aka Albert (UK) / Alfred (US) Spangler, Mundo Smith, Edwin Streep, Mr. Robinson, and more. Moist marries Adora Belle Dearheart. He also resurrects the Ankh-Morpork Post Office, Royal Bank, and Royal Mint – not that he had a choice in any of these matters.

Ron (warden) – One of the wardens at the Ankh-Morpork Tanty. Owes another warden five dollars, thanks to Moist von Lipwig.

Mr. Wilkinson (warden) – One of the wardens at the Ankh-Morpork Tanty. Ron owed him five dollars.

Patrician of Ankh – The leader of the city of Ankh-Morpork. You know him cordially as Havelock Vetinari.

Mrs. Wilkinson – Warden’s wife. Appreciated the fruit basket sent by Moist von Lipwig.

Daniel Trooper – Public executioner at the Tanty. Decent fellow.

(Rufus) Drumknott – Lord Vetinari’s servant.

Willie Hobson – Runs Hobson’s Livery Stable, a used-horse exchange.

Mr. Pump (19) – Golem assigned to keep track of Moist von Lipwig.

Mrs Evadne Cake – A medium, verging on small. Could switch her premonition on and off.

Tolliver Groat – One of two remaining postmen, until Moist von Lipwig came along.

Stanley Howler – Other remaining postman, pre-Lipwig. One-time editor of Total Pins. Now Head of Stamps at the Post Office.

Offler – The Crocodile God who has difficulty with speech due to his fang-like teeth – not unlike the speaking problems encountered by all crocodiles.

Mr. Tiddles – Elderly cat who lives at the Post Office.

Chief Postal Inspector Rumbelow – Took a bit of a chance (destroying he universe) when he stopped the Mail Sorting Engine.

Antimony Parker – Proprietor (with his son) of A. Parker & Son’s, Greengrocer’s, High Clas’s Fruit and Vegetable’s. Ye’s, you read that right.

Agnathea (Parker) – Becomes Antimony’s wife 41 year’s after hi’s proposal.

Mr. Mutable – Former postmaster. Fell to his death from the 5th floor of the Post Office.

Bloody Stupid Johnson – Born, Bergholt Stuttley Johnson, but few remember those names. His works deserve an article all their own and may or may not ever get one.

J. Lanugo Owlsbury – Author of Pins, possibly the last word on the subject.

Big Dave – Proprietor of Dave’s Stamp and Pin Exchange. He can get you the pins you really want.

George Parker – Son of Antimony. Work’s with hi’s father at the greengrocer’s.

Mrs. Goodbody – Known as a supplier of blunt instruments to whomever could make used of them.

Sane Alex Carlton – One of the trio who comprised The Smoking Gnu.

Mad Al Winton – One of the trio who comprised The Smoking Gnu.

Undecided Adrian Emery – One of the trio who comprised The Smoking Gnu.

Adora Belle Dearheart – Works for the Golem Trust. Marries Moist von Lipwig.

Captain Samuel Vimes – Head of the Ankh-Morpork Night Watch. Recovering alcoholic. Eventual spouse of Lady Ramkin and Commander of the Watch.

Clerk Alfred – One of Vetinari’s assistants. Reported on the Smoking Gnu.

Clerk Brian – One of Vetinari’s assistants. Good at hiding speaking tubes.

Clerk Harold – One of Vetinari’s assistants. Analyzed pig production in Genua.

Mr Slant – Of Morecombe, Slant & Honeyplace…lawyers. Head of the Lawyers’ Guild.

Reacher Gilt – Chairman of the Grand Trunk. Nemesis of Moist von Lipwig. Late in life, claimed to be Randolph Stippler with the papers to prove it.

Mr. Greenyham – Of Ankh-Sto Associates. Once cornered the market on dried prawns, dried fish maw, and dried ground shrimp. Now there’s a shrewd man.

Mr. Nutmeg – Of Sto Plains Holdings. Businessman duped (with several others) by Reacher Gilt.

Crispin Horsefry – Of the Ankh-Morpork Mercantile Credit Bank. Kept too many records for his health.

Mr. Stowley – Of Ankh Futures (Financial Advisers). Known to fake amnesia when the need arises.

John Dearheart – Murdered by Reacher Gilt via Mr. Gryle. “A man is not dead while his name is still spoken.” GNU John Dearheart. GNU Terry Pratchett.

Rhys Rhysson – He (actually, she) is the Low King of the dwarfs.

Bouffant – Philosopher studied by Vetinari and probably Reacher Gilt. Author of Thoughts.

Freidegger – Philosopher. Author of Modal Contextities. As related by Vetinari, freedom overwhelms the soul much like the state of Vonallesvolkommenunverstandlichdasdaskeit.

Mr. Whobblebury – Former postmaster. The Mail Sorting Engine got the better of him.

Mr. Sideburn – Former postmaster. Fell down the stairs and broke his neck…at 3 in the morning.

Mr. Ignavia – Former postmaster. Cause of death unknown. Officially, natural causes…so likely not.

Corporal Cecil Wormsborough St. John “Nobby” Nobbs – Member of the Night Watch. Species: human. Probably.

Josiah Doldrum – Runs a pinnery (makes pins) in Ankh-Morpork.

Hubert Spider – Compiler of the Pin Catalogue.

Mr. Hugo – Owner of Hugos, a hairdressing salon near the Post Office. It’s street sign is currently missing a few letters.

Sadie Parker – Wife of Antimony Parker.

Klatchian Foreign Legion – This is where you go to… (Forget, sir.)

Frederick – One-time husband of Agnathea (Parker).

Alice – Aka Princess. Works on clacks Tower 181.

Roger – Tower 181 worker, alongside Princess and Grandad.

Grandad – Master of Tower 181, where Princess, Roger, and others worked. He was 26.

Igor (Reacher Gilt’s) – Igor who served Reacher Gilt…and knew when to leave.

Alphonse (bird) – Cockatoo owned by Reacher Gilt. Could say, “Twelve and a half percent!”

Sergeant Frederick (Fred) Colon – Mainly of the Night Watch. Likes to stay out of trouble – especially other peoples’.

Cheeseborough – Possibly an accountant. Had papers that Horsefry would like to own.

Mr. Gryle – Banshee responsible for the deaths of John Dearheart and Crispin Horsefry (and probably others). Worked for Reacher Gilt. He was sorted out in the end.

Davie Thrills, Sir – Mentioned in a letter made known to Moist von Lipwig. Deceased, but not necessarily recently.

Mr. & Mrs. C. Clarke – Mentioned in a letter made known to Moist von Lipwig. Sadly, Mrs. Clarke was informed that her husband had fought valiantly….

George Aggy – Retired Senior Postman. Performs the duties of the Worshipful Master in the Order of the Post.

Mr Harry King – King of the Golden River. The ultimate reseller.

Postmaster Atkinson – Wearing the winged hat made him look broody, due to his height (5′ 1″).

Stitcher 22 – Golem who works at the theatrical costumers.

Bill Thompson – Retired (formerly) Senior Postman who was unclear about what to do should citizens give letter carriers new mail.

Postmaster Cowerby – Renowned (or infamous) for acquiring the Mail Sorting Engine.

The Lady – A female goddess with green eyes. She rolls a 7 using 6-sided dice.

Bates – Retired (formerly) Senior Postman who was mugged while on his delivery route.

Jimmy Tropes – Retired (formerly) postman who found himself up a tree in Hide Park.

Doors 1 – Golem employed by the Post Office.

Saw 20 – Golem employed by the Post Office.

Campanile 2 – Golem employed by the Post Office. (A campanile is a free-standing bell tower. No worries…I had to look it up too.)

Morporkia – The woman (not yet an anthropomorphic personification) who represents Ankh-Morpork.

King Het – Ruler of Thut, until it slid to the bottom of the sea. Anghammarad delivered decrees for him.

Fishermen Kings of the Holy Ult – Anghammarad was once their messenger.

Czol – Goddess regarding whom Anghammarad chose not to common, other than to say, “Do Not Ask.”

Sluice 23 – Golem who turned machinery for Teemer and Spools.

Mr. Spools – Worked with Moist von Lipwig to print stamps for the Post Office.

Sacharissa Cripslock – Granddaughter of the well-known engraver. Works with William de Worde as a reporter for the Ankh-Morpork Times. May eventually marry him.

Otto Chriek – Vampire (reformed) iconographer for the A-M Times.

Blind Io – Chief of the gods who live at Dunmanifestin. He appears to be blind but has many eyes outside his body.

Professor Ladislav Pelc – D.M.Phil, Prehumous Professor of Morbid Bibliomancy. Introduced Moist to the concept of the gevaisa – a tomb of living words (such as the Post Office in its present state). Also introduced Moist to Professor Goitre.

F. G. Smallfinger – Author of A History of Hats.

Grandfather Lipwig – Moist’s ancestor. Said you could tell the honesty of a man by the size of his ears.

Professor Goitre – Postuhumous Professor of Morbid Bibliomancy. Explained to Moist that the chandeliers missing from the Post Office were now in the Opera House and the Assassins’ Guild House. Thus it didn’t seem likely Moist would be able to retrieve them.

Igor (Hobson’s) – Stories said that he could do to one (actually several) recently acquired horses what some Roundworld folk could do to recently acquired cars in a few hours, often in the middle of the night.

Boris – Feisty horse ridden by Moist…for a time.

Joe Camels – Mayor of Sto Lat. Probably has nothing to do with cigarettes.

Davey (Sto Lat) – Works the Sto Lat clacks tower.

Iodine Maccalariat – Feisty Post Office manager. Don’t get in her way.

Frau Shambers – Moist von Lipwig’s 2nd grade teacher. She and Iodine Maccalariat share more qualities than Moist would like.

Frau Tissel – Moist von Lipwig’s kindly kindergarten teacher.

Gladys – “Female” golem who thinks she’s sweet on Moist von Lipwig for a time. Adora Belle Dearheart helped her get over it.

Big Jim Upwright – Big Jim “Still Standing” Upwright, father of Little Jim and Harry, had bought out the coaches used by the Post Office. Ownership was passed on to his twin sons.

Harold Boots – Harold “The Hog” Boots once lost a bare-knuckle fight to Big Jim Upwright.

Harry Upwright – Harry “Slugger” Upwright runs (with his brother, Little Jim) the coaches that technically belong to the Post Office.

Little Jim Upwright – Little Jim “Leadpipe” Upwright runs (with his brother, Harry) the coaches that technically belong to the Post Office.

Alfred (coach driver) – A young driver of the coaches for the Post Office.

Lela – Volcano Goddess. Mr. Pump Said That Anghammarad Said She Smokes All The Time Because The God Of Rain Has Rained On Her Lava.

Bob (fighter) – Participant in a rehearsed fight. Was to handle the Second Chair.

Oyster Dave – The enemy in front in a rehearsed fight.

Basalt – Troll, presumably. Enemy coming up behind Oyster Dave in a rehearsed fight.

Gravy – Did the Bench Swipe, let’s say, in a rehearsed fight.

Pointy – Accidentally hit with the Second Chair in a rehearsed fight.

Stronginthearm (fighter) – Could tell you that dwarfs hate being belted across both ears with bits of wood. Relation to any other Stronginthearm dwarfs, unknown.

Mucky Mick – Was to try (with Crispo) for a Double Andrew later in the rehearsed fight.

Crispo – Was to try (with Mucky Mick) for a Double Andrew later in the rehearsed fight.

Igor (fight asst.) – Those involved in the rehearsed fight had an Igor standing by at the Mended Drum, just in case.

Robert Dearheart – Original chairman of the Grand Trunk. Father of Adora Belle and John.

Lady Sybil Deidre Oglivanna Ramkin – Caretaker of swamp dragons and eventual spouse of Commander Vimes. Richest person in Ankh-Morpork.

Death – An anthrpomorphic personification comprised of a skeleton, covered in a black robe, and holding a scythe (or a sword, for kings). He communicates in CAPTIAL LETTERS without the quotation marks.

Captain / Corporal Carrot Ironfoundersson – Member of the Night Watch. Adopted dwarf. Possibly king of Ankh-Morpork. Later promoted to Captain.

Humphrey – Can blow the harmonica something cruel.

Deacon Jones – Served at the Temple of Offler.

Edith Leakall – Pig borer. Producer of Mrs. Edith Leakall’s Premium Reserve, which is of special interest to the priests of Offler.

Om – From which Omnia takes its name. Traveled in the form of a tortoise in Brutha’s time.

Anoia – Goddess of Things That Stick in Drawers. Know her well, do you?

Extremelia Mume – Had a small, multipurpose temple over a bookmakers’ office in Cable Street that handled the worldly affairs of several dozen minor gods.

Dr. John “Mossy” Lawn – Trained in Klatch (where patients were actually expected to get better), he is probably the only doctor (for humans) in Ankh-Morpork who has ever cured anyone.

George Pony – Technician / engineer for the Grand Trunk.

Igor (hospital) – Reacher Gilt’s Igor had a cousin working there. Igor was considering joining him.

Igor (vet) – Reacher Gilt’s Igor had a cousin who was a veterinarian. Igor was considering trying that trade.

Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully the Brown – Prominent leader of Unseen University. Sorta good at what he does – whatever that is.

Ponder Stibbons – A student wizard. Reader in Invisible Writings. Often the brains of UU.

Haruspex – Compiler of the Directory of Varying Dimensions.

Devious H. Collabone – Wizard stationed in Genua who read Moist von Lipwig’s message to those gathered in Ankh-Morpork, via omniscope.

Mrs. Glowbury – Reacher Gilt’s cook.

Nosher Harry – Guard on Moist’s coach.

Skullbreaker Tapp – Guard on Moist’s coach.

Grievous Bodily Harmsworth – Guard on Moist’s coach.

Joe “No Nose” Tozer – Guard on Moist’s coach.

Lecturer in Recent Runes – Wizard at UU. Contrived wearing false beards over their beards as a disguise.

Chair of Recent Runes – Wizard at UU. Apparently different from the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

Big Steve-oh – Coder on Tower 181.

Wheezy Halfsides – Coder on Tower 181.

Lord Downey – Originally deputy to Dr Cruces. Eventually succeeded him as head of the Assassins’ Guild.

Lady Margolotta – A leading vampire of Bonk in Uberwald.

Article Name
Going Postal Persons - Chronologic
Chronological list of the persons in Going Postal.
Publisher Name
Narrativium Reviews
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